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The Treasure Hunt for Good Friends July 14, 2014

Posted by doinglaundryinheels in Friendships, Life Lessons/Growing Up, Real World, Relationships.
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Confession time: I’ve always had a hard time finding friends. I don’t really mean people to hang out with, or people to talk to, I’m not talking lonely kid at the lunch table syndrome, I mean real friends. I also used to think that I was the only one with this problem. It would be a friday night and no matter who I texted to get drinks with, they were all occupied with parties, movies, outings, everything that didn’t include me. It always seemed that I had a million great people around me, but when I needed them most, they were nowhere to be found. Now that I’m a little older, and a little wiser (hm…debatable), I know that other people feel this too, this hole in their life that can’t ever seem to be filled.

Three-StoogesYou ever look at those girls with, like, twelve best girlfriends, and you’re like “How?!”. Even when you think you’re on the right track, you’re not. You think you’re so close to people, you laugh together, you cry together, and then six months later you can barely get them to answer a text, or their response to your five paragraph email is a two liner about how they were “So happy to hear from you”. The people at work will spend an extended lunch hour with you, tell you about their problems and their triumphs in their personal life, but when you ask them to hangout on the weekend, it seems like they’re always busy. Then, there are those friends who are great, and do hang out with you, and tell you that they’re glad you guys are closer now, until the first day they stand you up. Then, it’s like a parade of canceling on you – coffee, drinks, dinner, meeting you at the gym, lunch; it’s one thing after another and frankly, you’re tired of all of it. I know now that it isn’t just me, that people out there are giant flakes who don’t understand how they make other people feel when they simply can’t keep a coffee date.

It makes it hard to want to make friends. You have your core group of two or five people who are always there for you, but everyone else just falls to the wayside. All you want is someone to go to the new chick-flick with, but everyone already has a girlfriend who they’ve committed to going with. What are you supposed to say? “No! You should go with me!”, of course not, you tell them you totally get it, and maybe next time it’ll work out. People don’t necessarily do it on purpose, it’s not about not wanting to hang out with you, it’s about being in a different circle that you just don’t happen to be a part of, so you can’t even be mad at them. Why keep trying when you keep getting dumped on? Why keep putting yourself in that position?

Know that what people appear to have on the outside, may not be what is actually going on. That girl with a million friends, maybe she’s just trying to make it work, and really, she’s not happy. That guy with the best buds in the world, maybe he’s just trying to hold on to college, when all his friends are getting married and having kids. Things aren’t always what they appear so don’t judge yourself compared to others. Some people have had the same friends since kindergarten, some will meet their besties in college, and for you, for you maybe your solid friends are coming later in life. Don’t put so much pressure on it and when you are lonely on that Saturday afternoon; find things that you enjoy and schedule your life for you, and your happiness. Step one is always loving yourself first, so love yourself and the life long friends will come.


Follow Your Dreams…No Matter When July 9, 2014

Posted by doinglaundryinheels in 21st Century/Technology, Arts/Theater, Following Your Dreams, How To, Jobs and Work, Life Lessons/Growing Up, Real World.
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I remember when a guy I was sort-of dating first introduced me as “she used to be a dancer”. It’s a good thing he didn’t see my face, because I think it was a mix of shock and complete anger. Yes, this is no longer my career. Yes, I now have expanded my resume. Yes, it’s not what my business cards say. But I, in every way, shape and form am still a dancer! It’s a part of my being, my personality, who I am and how I think. Still, I had to face the reality, it was hard to call me that, when I wasn’t spending 10am-8pm in a dance studio anymore.

Remember when you were seven years old and asked what you wanted to be when you grew up? One week it was a veterinarian, the next it was a fireman, then a gymnast who would go out he Olympics and also a mommy or a daddy, or a horse farmer, or a purple rainbow catcher, or a pineapple trader. Well, your dreams in your twenties are just like that, but more along the lines of wanting to make good money, have a great apartment, like your job, have a comforting relationship, make awesome friends, have a stellar career, and so forth. The enchilada, the whole damn enchilada. Then, once you start getting all these things, something really unexpected happens, and you realize how unhappy you are. At twenty-three nothing seems grander than a fancy apartment with your significant other and a dog, but sometimes what we do to get those things means giving up something else. Sometimes, the things we give up are the most important.

turned-cants-into-cans-dreams-into-plansIf you’re lucky enough your career and passion are one in the same, but for many of us, that’s not that case and we have to make the time and effort to follow our dreams. I always thought that going back to dancing seemed futile later in life. After getting a degree, building a professional name for myself, creating a relationship and making money. It felt like it would only be a hobby and not a focus, but slowly, I began to feel dull, lifeless, like I was missing a huge part of myself. I felt like someone had grabbed my very arm off my body and run away with it. I realized that I had been working so hard at life, I had forgotten what was truly important, being happy. There are going to be a lot of years in your life you can’t be truly happy and truly successful, and sacrifice is important, but once you are on the right trajectory, and you are starting to achieve normalcy again, it’s important to feel like you again. If you were always a marathon runner, pick a 5K to train for; if you used to teach acting too little kids, volunteer at a day camp for a couple of weeks. Getting back into the swing can be hard, overwhelming, and time-consuming; it can actually be scary, when you aren’t sure of the outcome or even know if you’re still capable of doing whatever it is you do, but once you put on that dance shoe, or take that photograph, or cook that first desert, it’s like you feel like you’re home.

The career of a dancer starts at about seventeen, and by twenty-seven you’re already considered old. Had I known at seventeen what I know now, perhaps I would have made some different choices, but you can’t regret the mistakes or decisions you made because they lead you to where you are today. You would not be going back to what you love, had you never left it. For many, discovering what they love happens in their twenties, a simple art class or team building retreat can open up new worlds for people. Now is the time, before kids, before mortgages, before there’s another college to pay for, to get into a habit of following your dreams too. Be realistic, you’re never going to be an NBA player, but there are plenty of leagues and teams out there looking for a good shot!

“She turned her can’ts into cans, and her dreams in plans.” What I’ve learned, which I wish I had known at ten, and sixteen, and twenty, and twenty-two was that the most important thing in life is to have dreams. They may not bubble to the surface in the exact way you thought, but the more you learn about life, the more ways you find to make them work. The only person who can do that is you, so never let go of your dreams, and never let anyone take them away from you. In whatever form they may come, they are yours, and yours to concur.

Remember When – You Didn’t Worry About THESE Things? July 5, 2014

Posted by doinglaundryinheels in 21st Century/Technology, Beauty, Family, Humor, Life Lessons/Growing Up, Real World, Remember When.
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Remember when you didn’t think about these things…and now, they’re part of your conscious thought processes? Sorry, twenty-somethings, life is only going to get harder from here on in, but that doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy it. First step to enjoyment? Laughter. Grab a glass of wine, and join our club of self-pity and “Oh my gosh! I do that!” moments.
Here are the “Remember When You Didn’t Worry About…”‘s

Remember when you didn’t worry about…
Who to invite? As you get older, you meet more people, some you like, some you don’t, some you used to like and now you don’t. Likewise, the older you get, the more events you encounter – job promotions, engagements, weddings, anniversaries. When you were seven, and it was your birthday, all your cousins and neighbors and classmates came, now, it’s a russian roulette of who you don’t invite. Stacey is a serious gossip and a backstabber, so you don’t want her to be part of your event, but then she’ll be the only person in your office you’re not inviting to your wedding. You haven’t seen Uncle John in nine years, and no one in your family likes him, but your cousin is the one who got you you’re new job, so, now you’re just going to spend the entire party worry about him not insulting one of your friends. Worst of all…the events that you get invited to. “Did they invite me because they want me to come, or because it was the right thing to do? Do I want to go? And if I don’t, is that rude? Should I feel bad? If I go, how much money will this cost me? Will I know anyone there?”…so many questions. What happened to the simplicity of Chuck E Cheese?

Your weight. AND stamina…AND skin…AND complexion…AND heartburn? So gross! When we were sixteen, and nineteen, and twenty-one, we could stay up all night doing shots, wake up the next morning at nine, pop a Gatorade and some doughnuts and be in class or at work, looking, more or less, normal. Now, two glasses of wine put you out for 24 hours, not eating a solid breakfast puts you at the top of the stairs out of breath, things like “skin care creams” and “anti-aging serums” are now things you are considering buying, and when you see commercials for Prilosec or Tums you wonder “eh, I should pick some up next time I’m buying nail polish remover”. What happened?! You’re only 28 and these are things you’re dealing with. Defeated by age, aren’t we still supposed to be considered young?!

Retirement. Not to say it feels any closer than it did five years ago, but not thinking about it is no longer an option. Your HR department hands you a 401K form, or your father insists you open your Roth IRA next time he’s in town, or your banker starts asking you questions about loans, mortgage plans, and how all these will affect your life after your career. You’re still figuring out how to pay off your student loans without having to live in a an apartment the size of a closet. Thinking about retirement is super depressing when you haven’t even gotten knee-deep in your career, or you’re still figuring out which direction you want to go in…but everyone wants to know what you plan to do for money when you’re 65. “How about, what am I planning to do for money next month?”

1349831763184_6087440….About how old child stars were? When we were kids, we loved seeing Jonathan Taylor Thomas as a strapping teenager, or the kids of Dawson’s Creek growing up, and making movies. Dakota Fanning is twenty. Yup, she is twenty. Have a big gulp of wine…if you didn’t feel old yet, you do now, right? Oh, by the way, JTT is 32. You’re welcome.

Which school district is good? Even though you’re still un-hitched, and you’re years away from having babies, the idea of purchasing a property seems possible in the near future, and makes you feel like you’re moving up in the food chain. So, while you’re checking out different suburbs (and wondering WHY the HELL you’re on Zillow & Google Earth looking at houses) you’re also skimming the net for the best school districts in the area. Sad, but true, even before you have bundles of joy in diapers, you’re thinking about where you’re going to send them to school. Children, taking over the world, one psychotic break at a time.

Taking care of your parents. No matter how young they are, or you are, you worry about what will happen when they need you. Can you afford an emergency plane ticket to go help them? When they move to a new neighborhood, or a new house, will they be lonely? Do they miss you being around? Who are their friends and what are their intentions? Does their boss respect them? Life was a lot easier when they embarrassed you at the mall in front of the “cool kids” and you pretended you didn’t know them. Now you care… a lot.

What time the live music at the bar will start? When you were twenty-one, you were at the front of the crowd, speakers blowing out your ear drums, holding your fourth, or fifth, drink of the night with your arms around total strangers singing songs you’ve never heard before together and secretly imaging the lead singer asking you out. Now, 9pm rolls around,you see the amps and you ask your waitress what time the band will go on so you can be sure to tab out before then. You’ve got a new episode of the Bachelorette waiting for you on your DVR and a group of girls wearing shirts as dresses just walked in. As you walk out, you don’t realize you still have the same shirt/dress in blue stuck at the back of your closet. Oops.

Things like a lazy susan. I bet when you were searching for your first place your list was pretty minimal – working heat, space for a full size bed, a bathroom that doesn’t attract rats, and a kitchen that could pass for something bigger than a hotel room hot plate. Your latest apartment search included something more along the lines of – central air, washer and dryer in unit, storage closet, a kitchen with a window above the sink, a mud room or something that could be used for one, and a lazy susan cabinet. And somehow, these were all non-negotiable. Mr. & Mrs. Picky Pants…or, are we just old and refusing to live in the same building as a frat. Hm, the later.

d383cf36.jpg.505x650_q85Looking, sounding and having opinions just like your parents. The first time you say or do something and realize that is exactly how your mom sounded, or your dad acted and you’re paralyzed by sheer horror at the event. It’s not that it’s actually so awful, it’s more like when you walk into a room where someone in naked, you’re more shocked and confused then you are sure of what just happened.

We used to think that getting older, feeling older, or worrying about being older was something bad, but, to be honest, when you look at twenty-two year olds now, aren’t you relieved you aren’t THAT anymore? Someone once said,”Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many.” When you think of it in those terms, all those things listed above are an amazing and comical thing that we are all lucky to have as part of our lives. Getting older is like good wine, the olda’ the betta’!

July Needs Some Ketch-Up June 27, 2014

Posted by doinglaundryinheels in Beauty, Dating, GoodGuys File, Health and Fitness, Jobs and Work, Ketch-up, Life Lessons/Growing Up, Real World, Relationships, Review.
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It’s KETCH-UP WEEK at Doing Laundry in Heels! June has been a rollercoaster of articles, SK traveling, Pascal resurfacing, and even with all that, it still needs some ketchup! So here’s what’s been on the grill this month and what’s been hot!

The Real Life Rules of Respect and Honesty – By Pascal
Respect and honesty are funny things. As far as my experience goes, everyone wants to be respected, and really, most people think they deserve respect in one manner or another, but what are the rules on respect? In the same vein, “honesty is always the best policy” and “relationships are based on honesty”…right?…Read more!

Turning Pretend into Reality
Many of us are very hard on ourselves. If we’ve felt like we’ve battled life alone – we are constantly trying to find the next level of achievement. If we came from wealth, or help, or a life that was created to be easy – we want to prove everyone wrong. If you’ve always been a winner – failure is the ultimate defeat. If you’ve rarely been a winner – then winning is the only thing you strive for. Most of us fall into one of these categories, if not a couple, so with people like us, we’re always searching for the next thing, reaching for the next level, wanting to prove to the world that we made it…Read more!

Detaching From The Situation
“You’re a horrible person.”

“You did the opposite of a good job.”

“What made you think this was a good idea?”

“You’re seriously under performing.”

Things we’ve all probably heard at one point or another. Whether it’s coming from a boss, or co-worker, a friend, a parent or a partner, it’s the worst thing to hear and it’s shocking. When you’re sitting at the opposite end of a table and someone looks you dead in the eye and starts telling you that you’re, basically, worthless, your first reaction is shock. In your mind you’re thinking “What is happening right now? Is this for real?”…Read more!

Simple as Sugar – A Review about Simple Sugars Skincare! (Yum)

Anyone who has spent more than ten minutes with me knows that I have an enormous sweet tooth, probably more so than most other people on the planet. If there’s dessert, I’m there, but I recently found a product that is as sweet as sugar (literally!) but rather than making you breakout and plump up, it does something good for your body…Read more!

The Sides of Needing Space – this month’s GoodGuys File
There are two types of people out there, those who need space and those who do not. Most people like to think they’re one kind, but are probably the other. So, what happens when you’re in a relationship and spending the majority, if not almost all, your time with the same person? What happens you ask? Fights, tension, lashing out or snapping for no good reason. Human beings weren’t meant to be alone, but they weren’t meant to be together 24/7 either. Finding the balance in a relationship is a fine line, but it isn’t an invisible one…Read more!

Oh…and by the way, WE TURNED FOUR IN JUNE! and there was lots of cake!

The Sides of Needing Space June 23, 2014

Posted by doinglaundryinheels in Apartment Life, Dating, Family, GoodGuys File, Health and Fitness, Life Lessons/Growing Up, Men, Real World, Relationships, Women.
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The GoodGuys File

There are two types of people out there, those who need space and those who do not. Most people like to think they’re one kind, but are probably the other. So, what happens when you’re in a relationship and spending the majority, if not almost all, your time with the same person? What happens you ask? Fights, tension, lashing out or snapping for no good reason. Human beings weren’t meant to be alone, but they weren’t meant to be together 24/7 either. Finding the balance in a relationship is a fine line, but it isn’t an invisible one.

There are two sides to “I need space” and the only way to make it work, is to understand where the other person is coming from. For people who really do need space, it’s about feeling suffocated. People don’t necessarily want to be without you, they also don’t necessarily want to be alone, they just want some air. Like when you’re stuck in a crowded subway car, or a stuffy office building, you just want to get outside – it’s not that you don’t like where you are, or who you’re with, you just need some air. Space allows people to refocus on their relationship, or other things. For many people, they love their significant other so much, it can difficult to really get other things done while they’re together. They make excuses or procrastinate doing things because it’s easy to just hang out or go out when you’re with the person you like. Alone time lets them work on the other elements on their life like work, career, finances, family and friendships. Sometimes, space doesn’t even mean being alone, it means being apart. Visiting family for a week, going out with friends, or even going to work or out after work can be space. It’s a new setting, a new set of people, and if anything, it generally makes them miss being with you more.

Some people simply don’t need as much space as others, probably because they aren’t used to it. Maybe they are an only child, or have felt a lot of separation in their life. To them, needing space is a synonym for all sorts of things – it means not wanting to be with the other person, it means leaving, it brings up the anxiety of being alone, which for many people can be difficult. For people who aren’t used to being alone, or don’t have a need for it, hearing “I need space” is instantaneously negative. It makes them feel like they’ve done something wrong and they’re being punished, it creates a sense of insecurity and even fear. However, some people, they just don’t need space. They are people persons, they like being social, they like chatting and telling stories and laughing and being around people. Not to say that people who need space aren’t like this, but for some people, life is just boring without others.

So, what’s the right way to go about making it work? First rule of thumb; don’t deny people who need space. Telling someone you don’t want them to have time alone is the fastest way to start the beginning of the end. People don’t like being denied something that’s rightful theres, people also don’t like being bossed around. There are going to be moments, maybe fights, where space is the last thing you want but you’re going to have to let them have it because they need it, and your relationship needs it. Second rule of thumb; understanding people who don’t need space. Whether they have an emotional reaction to the word “space”, not like being alone, or simply want you to stop leaving every single time you need to take a breath, listen to them. See where they’re coming from and work to control how often you might need space. Walking away isn’t always the answer, sometimes things need to be handled together.

Detaching From the Situation June 16, 2014

Posted by doinglaundryinheels in Dating, Family, Friendships, Health and Fitness, How To, Jobs and Work, Life Lessons/Growing Up, Real World, Tips and Tricks.
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“You’re a horrible person.”

“You did the opposite of a good job.”

“What made you think this was a good idea?”

“You’re seriously under performing.”

Things we’ve all probably heard at one point or another. Whether it’s coming from a boss, or co-worker, a friend, a parent or a partner, it’s the worst thing to hear and it’s shocking. When you’re sitting at the opposite end of a table and someone looks you dead in the eye and starts telling you that you’re, basically, worthless, your first reaction is shock. In your mind you’re thinking “What is happening right now? Is this for real?”, then you’re next reaction is defense, followed by total loss. You want to spurt back “I did a great job! And you know it!” but what actually comes out it something more along the lines of “I..well, I, after looking over the report, I, we,…it appeared that it would be the best..more appropriate decision.”  Which usually only opens the conversation to more details about how much you suck. No one, human being is built to withstand a verbal hurricane, no matter how strong you are or how many times you’ve been through it, there is no way to prepare yourself for a sudden blow.

In a recent experience, someone I highly respect was delivering a message from someone else, once again, telling me I was failing at life and should probably just stop trying to impress anyone with any attempt at pathetically proving them wrong. Then she paused, looked into my eyes, and said “I think not caring comes with age.” I laughed. I laughed because the girl next to me was near tears, and I was considering putting my fist through a wall, and I laughed because it was true. Both still in our twenties, we took this reprimand to heart. When you’re an adult, there is no more first grade teacher around to tell you that even though you didn’t write all the letters correctly, you’ll try again tomorrow and it’ll be better! No, in the real world, sometimes you get one shot to not make the N backwards and if you fail, you fail. You failed. And someone is going to make it known to you. I laughed, because I realized how stupid it was to care so much about something that would, moving forward, be fairly insignificant in the grand scheme. I decide that, regardless of being young or old, I was going to learn how to not care.disneys-peter-pan

My mother told me that confident people don’t put others down. Confident people also rarely refer to themselves as confident. A person who is secure in their profession, their relationship, their situation in life, won’t spend the time to find small faults in others. So, when your significant other of six-months starts outlining how you’re just not emotional invested enough in the relationship, maybe stop to think if this is something that he or she is actually dealing with? Perhaps your boss insists that low sales are a result of you not trying hard enough; a good boss is going to give you constructive criticism, not blame you and waste everyone’s time. Maybe you’re not so close with your parent or sibling, and they’re always highlighting your imperfections; sounds like this is something they’re insecure about. The examples could go on and on, but the lesson is more valuable than the stories.

So I tried, the next time I got a snippy e-mail, or saw a rude Facebook post, or even just felt discouraged at my job. Before I could let myself really get down, I thought of something that makes me happy. Not something superficial like sitting on my yacht, or on a beach with a cocktail, or driving around in my BMW – none of which actually exist; but something real like what I would be doing with friends that weekend, or a nice dream I had, or an event that recently occurred that made me smile from ear to ear. After I got  this mental picture in my head, I just moved on with my day. Whenever I felt that tension or frustration rise up again, I pushed it away with happy thoughts [Peter Pan and Tink really had something there]. You can’t just push it away though, you have to release it, not hold it in. Don’t talk about it too much with others, don’t harbor on it, basically pretend it’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard in your life and forget about it!

I tried…and it was super hard! It was so hard to pretend it wasn’t bothering me, it was hard to think of something else, it was tough to just not keep bringing it up. I don’t even think I’m that great at it yet, but I tried, and I got over what was bothering me and most of all, I didn’t let insecure people get under my skin! Be the cream, rise to the top and just be above it all. People who want to be insecure and cause tension are welcome to relocate back to high school. Space is always open snd registration is free. Focus on being s better you and let losers find a way out of their own mess.

Turning Pretend into Reality June 11, 2014

Posted by doinglaundryinheels in Apartment Life, Dating, Family, Finances, Friendships, Jobs and Work, Life Lessons/Growing Up, Real World, Relationships.
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Many of us are very hard on ourselves. If we’ve felt like we’ve battled life alone –  we are constantly trying to find the next level of achievement. If we came from wealth, or help, or a life that was created to be easy – we want to prove everyone wrong. If you’ve always been a winner – failure is the ultimate defeat. If you’ve rarely been a winner – then winning is the only thing you strive for. Most of us fall into one of these categories, if not a couple, so with people like us, we’re always searching for the next thing, reaching for the next level, wanting to prove to the world that we made it!

When I was a little girl, I played house where I had “children”, and I washed “dishes”, and life was perfect. When I got older, my cousins and I would pretend we had fabulous clothes, and fabulous cars and handsome boyfriends like the ones from the Barbie Queen of the Prom Game, and we’d drive to the mall to get our nails done. When I was a teenager, I dreamed about my loft apartment in NYC, my amazing career, and my cool friends who I’d meet a fancy lounges and cute bistros. Even after that, I thought about meeting the man of my dreams, living with my boyfriend, going on vacation together and getting engaged. These are all just dreams, they aren’t real, but within them is an element of very, very honest truth.

inspirational-quotes-3I always felt like once I’d get five steps ahead, I’d fall back down a mile. No matter how far I got in life, something, somewhere, would take a turn and we’d be starting from scratch. If my apartment was amazing, my friendships were in shambles; if I was dating a great guy, work was bumming me out; if I found the greatest opportunity, it didn’t pay enough to justify taking it. Never seemed like I was getting where I wanted to be, but then I’d look back and realize I had come leaps and bounds, and I had much to be proud of.

The other day, I was really beating myself up. Feeling like I wasn’t any closure to my dreams in life and then, something very unique and reflective occurred to me. Ambitious people always feel like they’re reaching, because they always have something to reach for. Each step you take in life brings you closer to a goal, a dream becoming a reality. Four years ago I couldn’t fathom buying a car, realistically or financially and now, I’m probably less than a year away from owning one. It’s a strange thing to strive for, but a huge milestone in life, buying your first car by yourself. I used to go to my friend’s apartments and look around and think “Compared to this, my place is a sardine can from the 70′s. I want an apartment to look like this, feel like a home, and be decorated like a magazine”. Today, I have a beautiful apartment, that’s decorated like a magazine. I always wanted to give to my parents, to have a nice place for them to stay when they come visit, to buy them nice things, and treat them to trips or dinners. I may not be 100% there, but it’s on the horizon. However, when I was twenty, all I dreamed about was having a good job, a good man, and enough money that I could afford to shop at Ann Taylor and Banana Republic almost exclusively. This is my reality, I can buy $40 capris and not feel it too much. So, the thing about dreams is that they change, so even if it feels like you’re always going backwards, you’re actually climbing up a ladder. If you can’t see the top, maybe you should look down, to see how far you’ve come.

Think back to your life five years ago, and how drastically different it was. Imagine yourself five years into the future, how accomplished you will be. Ambition and goals are probably one of the most valuable parts of a personality, but pride is too. It’s okay to pat yourself on the back, it’s okay to spend one second not tearing yourself down. Most of all, it’s okay to feel like you’ve succeed. Truthfully, none of us will ever be fully successful; our job as a partner will never end, our responsibility to pets and children will always exist, our continuos strive to be a better person is ongoing, there is no utopia of perfect that we’re trying to reach, but maybe if there was, success wouldn’t be fun. Knowing that the adventure lies ahead is what creates dreams into your reality.


The Real Life Rules of Respect and Honesty June 7, 2014

Posted by doinglaundryinheels in Dating, Family, Friendships, How To, Life Lessons/Growing Up, Real World, Relationships.
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Respect and honesty are funny things. As far as my experience goes, everyone wants to be respected, and really, most people think they deserve respect in one manner or another, but what are the rules on respect? In the same vein, “honesty is always the best policy” and “relationships are based on honesty”…right?

Maybe not.

In the spirit of full disclosure: I’m an asshole. Well, at least that’s what people who know me say. When asked to clarify, it usually comes down to my willing disregard of societal filters combined with an attempt at full honesty. For instance, if you got a bad haircut, I’ll be the one to let you know. It’s not that I revel in your misfortune, it’s just that I would want someone to tell me. It’s like the booger dilemma. If a friend comes up to you and has a cliff hanger fluttering carelessly in the wind, are you going to tell them? Be honest with yourself. The last time you saw a friend with a boogie in their nose did you tell them? Well I’m the guy who tells a stranger about their booger. No, I won’t just walk up to you to tell you, but if we’re for some reason in conversation I’m dropping that bomb. It’s not that I enjoy uncomfortable situations; I don’t like to make people feel embarrassed; I just know that I’d be pissed if I was walking around with Slimer chilling on my upper lip and no one told me. To me, it’s a sign of respect to set aside the feeling of “uncomfortable convo” to make sure you aren’t walking around like some kind of boogie-monster. This goes for food in teeth, toilet paper on shoes, etc. Anything that you’re not likely to notice yourself – I’m your guy.

honesty-197883Although it comes from a good place, honesty is often taken negatively. Even when that honesty has been requested by the second party, it can often rub the other person the wrong way. Even more drastically, telling the truth can just be a bad life choice. I know someone who was smoking pot with friends at a boarding high school. One of those “friends” bugged out and told the Dean. Everyone was brought in to be interrogated. One person told the truth. I imagine you can guess who was kicked out of school. If you haven’t been following along I’ll just tell you that honesty isn’t always the best policy. The one that told the truth, my friend, that’s who got kicked out! Jeez you’re dense! Anyway. There are just too many situations in life to be so broad as to say honesty is the best policy. Further, people who say they want complete honesty don’t really mean it. Sure, your girlfriend loves your honesty when you tell her that you cry to Bambi, but don’t tell her dad he’s a hypocrite for telling you that you drink too much as he’s downing his fifth scotch of the hour. Then you have no filter and are just uncouth. “Be honest with me, not everyone else… (unless we’re talking about sex, then just tell me I’m Aphrodite).” At some point, do we all just have to accept that people are hypocrites and liars, and only believe half of what they say?

It’s like respect. The whole notion of “respect your elders” is somewhat ludicrous. It should be “respect your others.” You’re telling me that I should respect your dad as he calls me a worthless piece of shit just because he’s older? Didn’t we learn as children to treat others how you’d like to be treated? If you’re dropping the f-bomb to me in conversation, isn’t that an opening for me to do the same? Why does your age allow you to use your entire lexicon while mine must be minded? If I’m too young to use those words, don’t use them around me. More importantly, though, after a certain point, we’re all adults. Don’t expect special treatment from me just because you’ve been an adult longer. In my book, everyone deserves a certain level of respect until they’ve shown otherwise. I can abide by rules of age-appropriate propriety in most situations, especially when concerning foul language (for more on this subject refer to my timeless words, “a rose is a rose by any other name” [Ok, maybe some lady named Shaka Spear wrote that... So sue me]), but if you talk like a sailor, don’t expect me to talk like Sailor Moon. I’m not that guy. And you shouldn’t be either. Respect is a two way street. This goes for parents also. If you treat your kids like shit, don’t expect much back. I imagine I’m losing some of you at this point so I’ll just wrap it up with this: Get over yourself.

*This has been a public service announcement brought to you by the “good” people at Pascal’s school for propriety. Now get out!

- Pascal


Winning the Ex-Games May 23, 2014

Posted by doinglaundryinheels in Dating, Friendships, GoodGuys File, Life Lessons/Growing Up, Men, Relationships, Women.
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The GoodGuys File

You could say it was all a blurry dream, because it was; there I was seated in a chapel filled with friends and family to witness the marriage of a man and a woman, and all I could do was go up to the groom and say “No!”

The hard part about dating is that we never want to admit the truth – that we were dumped, that we don’t have feelings for someone, that we don’t care they are dating someone new. We do, we do all these things, but because we have egos and don’t want to admit defeat, we hide behind lies or versions of the truth in order to save ourselves from embarrassment and, also, reality. Reality means admitting something, accepting it, and moving on, and we aren’t always ready to do that.

When “this guy” met “this girl”, I remember thinking how wrong she was for him. Did he just want someone who wasn’t me? Did he no longer enjoy phone conversations until 4am about books and music? Did he not want to ride around town singing to the top of his lungs anymore? Maybe. Maybe this is how I saw things, from where I stood, maybe she was everything I wasn’t to him. Still, no matter how rational I was, I never liked her, there was something about her, and most of all, it was because she came right after me. Years after this initial shock, I felt like I was in a competition – who would get married first, who would be together longer, who would become successful first, whose significant other would be more successful. You would think I still had feelings for this person, but trust me when I say the only feelings I had were of annoyance.

After we broke up I dated other people until I ended up in a long-term relationship, he didn’t, in fact, he only waited about two months before diving into it. For a long time, I told myself that she was the one for him and I could get over it or I could bother myself about it for the rest of my life, but after you know a person so well, after you spend so much time with them, caring about them never goes away, even if they hurt you. I always felt like the girl for him would be a girl I could get along with, would be someone I would hate to like, but not be able to help loving. I felt like no matter what we had been through, I didn’t want him to be unhappy, and I didn’t want him to fall in love with someone who would cause that unhappiness. Even though we ended rocky, he was always a special person, he deserved someone who knew how great he was, and I wasn’t the only person who thought she didn’t, his mutual friends gave insight into how non-him they felt she was. Still, the heart wants what the heart wants, so we all stood back and watched their relationship  grow for four years.

The other day, I won. I won. I won the competition. This convoluted competition I had built in my mind. They broke up and I and my boyfriend are still together. There was shock, there was excitement, there was a little feeling of satisfaction and then, there was nothing. I realized that all along, I had one true feeling, that she wasn’t right for him. Years after we split, it had become so apparent that he wasn’t right for me either (only he can speak on if I was ever right for him, but I’m guessing not). I was waiting to win something, but in all honesty, I was just looking out for someone I cared about.

When we exit a relationship and our ex begins a new one, there are always an array of feelings. Some last days or weeks, some last years. It’s okay to still care about them, somewhere deep inside, and it’s okay to worry about who they date, knowing that they’ll never be with you again; knowing that when they meet the right person, you should be happy for them. It’s hard for friends when they hear that you “don’t like the person he’s seeing” and most of the time they’ll be correct in assuming you still having feelings for your ex, but every now and then, every 1 out of 3, you’ll actually want them to meet someone like you, but better. Having an adult relationship means recognizing that you weren’t their perfect match, this doesn’t mean you aren’t allowed to question the people they do chose to be with. After all, you spend so much time with them, have so many conversations and experiences. Sometimes, the best people to tell you who you should be with, are the people who know why you’re not with them.

What I learned from this very strange experience, and this very strange dream, is that sometimes winning isn’t bad, it isn’t about you being malicious or ill-willed. When your parents took away your phone, or your teacher gave you detention, they weren’t doing it because they hated you, they were doing it because, in the long run, it would be better for you. Sometimes, no matter how happy you are in your own relationship, you’re going to focus on someone else’s for the soul reason that who they’re dating isn’t up to your standards, your very-very high standards. After all, you are comparing them to you :)

There is truth behind every reality. You’ll always care for your exs’ a little, you’ll always wonder about their lives, you’ll probably always want to achieve more than them, have a better spouse than them, build a bigger home then them, but you’ll also always appreciate your time with them. They made you who you are, and without them, you would be missing a tiny, tiny, tiny, piece of what you know about yourself.

The Age of Growing Up May 18, 2014

Posted by doinglaundryinheels in Apartment Life, Dating, Jobs and Work, Life Lessons/Growing Up, Real World, Relationships, Uncategorized.
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I was probably the only kid out there who never wanted to be eighteen. Eighteen symbolizes adulthood, independence, opportunity, recognition, but I never once felt a single one of those things. From the moment I turned eighteen, I was waiting to become nineteen. Whether you consider it a stigma or a right of passage, eighteen came with more baggage than I had ever wanted. I just wanted to be seen as a person, not an eighteen year old, but I felt like that was the label, stuck to the front of my forehead. That same thing happened at twenty-one. I hated being asked my age, whenever I said it, it came out in a slow and painful, apologetic moan. After twenty-one was no better, every time I got the same comment “Oh! you’re still so young!” (I even wrote about it!). Finally, I remember when I turned twenty-five, relief spilled over me. I was no longer “so young!” or “Finally, old enough”, I was that ambiguous age where people didn’t really care how old or young you were. It was bliss. I’ve continued to live with this “flying under the radar” age and I’ve been loving every minute of it, until recently.

baggagecheckoct9It seems like, for many of us, there’s no catching up with your age. There’s always an association with where you should be, or how you should be, and for the most part, the social “norms” don’t bother me, but the warranting respect part does. After you reach a certain age, you can’t comment on certain subjects because you aren’t knowledgeable enough, but you’re expected to have an opinion anyway. So, you’re old enough to warrant an opinion, but not one that really carries weight in the conversation. Example, I may not know how to start my own business, I may not be able to comment on running a company, but because I have a college degree and have been a manager, I can be involved in the conversation, I can voice my thoughts, but no one really takes them seriously, even if they ask for them. I’m in no rush to get married, but somehow living with my boyfriend is no longer an acceptable long-term relationship; I’m not married, so I might as well be single. I don’t own a home or a car, so I’m a “cute” driver, rather than a good one; it’s “sweet” that I still rent. People have begun to make me feel like I’m still in college and my views on life are very endearing rather than true. Even when at dinner with other couples, who are married, sometimes they just smile and laugh at my home-life stories, instead of relating. It leaves me looking both ways, whipping my head around, wondering if I’ve missed something.

Sure, it’s frustrating, feeling like you’re finally a decent part of society and then two years later feeling like you’re a kid again. To be perfectly honest, I don’t know if that’s ever going to go away. Maybe when I finally get married, I’ll have a newlywed stigma around me, maybe when I finally buy a house, I’ll always be an inexperienced homeowner, maybe once my kids start elementary school it’ll be “oh, wait till they get to Junior High!” Who knows! So, I’m trying to ignore how other people sometimes make me feel and, instead, be excited about my life. So what if I’m not married yet, I’m actually pretty proud of myself for taking my time and not rushing into it. Who cares that I don’t have a car of my own yet, I’m saving so much money a month by not owning one! Sure, there are things that warrant insecurity, like living in your parents basement at 29, but I know I’m right where I’m supposed to be in life. Making it work, one high heeled step at a time!


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